You are a writer. Get busy.

June 3, 2016 @1234

You might be a writer if you can keep a diary.  Who can’t keep a diary?  Well, of course some cannot.  At least not in the ordinary sense of the word.  Do you start every entry with “Dear Diary?”

Answer:  No.

All you need is a piece of paper and a pen.  Then start writing.  Put words on paper.  Or put words on a computer.  Out they spill, one letter after another.  Soon you catch the fire of creativity and out come the words and the diary is off and running.  I hear music, man.

Once you get words on paper, you can refine them.  What the hell were you writing about anyway?  Writing itself?  Your mother?  Everyone has a mother, even if she is no longer alive or otherwise accessible.  I think for you to write about your mother or father would be interesting and everyone will want to read.  Or perhaps you shut the diary up and put it away.  Sure.  Might be a good idea.

Do you need to write with fancy words or phrases?  Do you have to use gerunds and participles?  No, of course not.  You are writing for yourself, remember?  Keep it that way for a long time.  You can share your stuff later.

Why am I giving this valuable advice for free?  Simple.  I love to read the intimate thoughts of other people.  I want to hear about your drug or alcohol habit.  Or your kinky sex life.  Or your tragical childhood.  No tragedy there?  That’s okay.  You are free to tell how it was, as long as you decide to tell the truth from day one.  This is the only friend you have, because people aren’t going to read glossy bullshit.  Well, maybe they will.  How would I know?

My own childhood was a happy one.  Mostly.  Except when I lost my temper and broke my toys.  You know how that goes.  Blah blah blah.

Your childhood is infinitely richer and more interesting than any you might invent, even if you are a genius like Stephen King.  He wrote a book about writing (where is my copy?  Where?  Where?) and in it he wrote about his own childhood.  He is damned old fashioned.

Once you get some stuff onto the page, then edit it.  I do.  I change the word “very” to “damned” every time.  Woops!  It’s okay to write “very” if it has an “E” at the beginning, or if it has quotes around it.  What else?  Change the broad generalizations that use the words “every” or “all”  to specifics.  Don’t use the word “etcetera.”  Stop using the word “stuff.”  Break all of these rules whenever you damned well please.  Very stupid all of the time.  Aw forget it.

Wait!  I’m assuming you aren’t trying to dazzle people with obfuscation and confusing writing they can’t possibly understand.  Perhaps you want to intimidate people.  If so, I can’t help you.  Most of what passes for writing in the “Letters to the editor” page attempts to do that.  Also, whenever you see the word “just” omit it unless you are referring to justice.  I got that last hint from the internet from a Facebook post.

Once you get tired of writing, like I am, you can just stop.